Diary – 2019, February 17th, Sunday, 14:02 IST

Dear Diary,


They Did It Again. I Shout. He Shouts. He Shuts Me Up. Just Like Always. It’s Such A Cycle. I Feel Suffocated. Again. I Feel Like Wanting To Kill Myself. Again. I Just Want It All Out My Head. Even If I’ve To Bang It To The Wall, I Just Want It All Out. Somehow. Anyhow. I’m No Direct Victim. She Is. I’m Just Collateral Damage. Just A Subsidiary Waste. It Happens.

But, What Should I Do? I Had So Much Energy Last Night. So Much Of Courage. I Felt Like Finally, I Can Do It All. Make It All Right. That It’s Not Really That Impossible. But Swoosh! Good Morning! Now, What? What To Do? What To Do?

I Blame Myself. It’s Better This Way. I’m Wrong. I Have To Be. It’s Better This Way. It Hurts. It Should. It’s Better This Way. It Shouldn’t Affect This Much. I Tell This To Myself. I Shouldn’t Let It Get To Me. But It Does. It Does, Really. It Aches, Really. It Should, Really. My Mind Did Hurt Always. My Body Does, Too, Now. It Should, Really. I Hope It Does More. A Lot More. To The Point That The Mind Gets Lost. And There’s No More Than Thought. That Fear. That Suffocation. That Disgust. What To Do?

Something’s To Be Done. It Has To Be Done. Something, At Least. Ah, But I’m Being A Coward. A Coward, I Am. Just… Maybe This Would Work. I’ll Refocus. Just Like That. Something Different To Think. That’s What I’d Do, Yes.

Oh, Lemme Tell You. I’ve A Chemistry Test Tomorrow. I Prepared Two Chapters Thoroughly Yesterday. I Was Very Confident. Yeah, I Know It’s Just Two Out Of Sixteen. But I Know No Chemistrian. Firstly, It’s Not My Passion. Secondly, I Passionately Dislike It When It’s Forced On Me. But It’s One Of The Parts Of That Key, Which Will Open The Door To Another World. Maybe Better. Maybe Worse. But At Least, I’ll Be Out Of Here.

So, Yeah, I Gotta “Study” Chemistry. I Planned To Study At Least The Organic Chapters. That’d Do Me Good For Now. I Would Have. If Only I Weren’t A Coward. My Mind Now Hasn’t A Spare Room For Chemistry. It Just Keeps Focusing On Just That. Just That, Yeah.

Oh, But I Can’t Miss The Test. But I’m A Coward. A Huge One, Today. I’m Planning To Skip School Tomorrow. I Shouldn’t, No. I Can’t Be Labeled Coward, No. I Hate It. I’ll Have To Make Excuses. I’ll Have To Lie. If I Skip Tomorrow. I’ll Have To Lie. Again. It Isn’t Good, No. It Hurts. Lying Is Disgusting. Frustrating. But I Do It So Much. So Much More. Every Day. Every Moment. But At Night, I Don’t. Not Really. The Dark Of Night Is Mine. I Have It On My Own. I Do Not Lie, Never. The Only I Have, It Is.

One Day, The White Of The Sky Will Be Mine. One Day. And There Will Be No Lies. One Day. Maybe Someday. Oh, But It’s Not Today. Let’s Not Hope For The Best. Let’s Just Prepare For The Worst. That Is, It Is.

Criticize Me, You People! Do It. Do It Today, And I Won’t Be A Coward Tomorrow. Yes, This Will Work. It Always Does. It Always Will. I Think, I Think. It Hurts, It Hurts. I Write, I Write. And Magic! I Get Myself Back. I Just Reappear Again. I Just Become Again. Just Me.

I’ve Still A Ridiculously Long Day Left. There’s Still So Much Time Left For It To Get Worst. More Than Ever. That’ll Be My Cue. That’ll Make Me Finally Explode. And It’ll All Be Over. Once And For All. But It So Doesn’t Happen. It’ll Just Stay Calm. As Calm As The Sea. Just Today.

The Pain’s Leaving My Body Again. Maybe It’s All Right. It’ll Be Alright. It’ll Be All Good. It’ll Be All Right. I Just Have To Remember This; I Have To Save Her From Him. I Have To Save Him From Himself. I Have To Save Them From Them. And Just Maybe, I Need To Save Me From Them. I Need To Save Me From Myself. And Maybe I’ll Lose It All. And Maybe It’ll All Be Lost Forever. But At Least, I’ll Have Him. At Least I Have Him. Then For Him, I’ll Live. I Will, Right?

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