2019-01-02

Dear Diary,

Diary

This Day Was Supposed To Be One Of The Best Days Of My Life. It Was The Day I Was Supposed To Celebrate Because Of A Certain Reason. But It Ended Up Being One Of The Worst Days Of My Life. The Plan I Had For Today, It Did Go Through But Not As Well As I Expected It To Be. I Know I’m Talking In Circles, But I Have No Choice. I Don’t Have Complete Freedom Of Speech. But One Day, I Will Have It. And Then I’ll Speak Of This Day With All My Will, Not Holding Back A Thing.

But You Might Be Thinking, Why Do I Even Write When It’s All Incoherent And When I Really Can’t Write It All? Well, It’s Because Writing It Openly Feels Like I’m Speaking Openly, Like I’ve Freedom. And This Imagination Is Giving Me A Reason. A Reason To Live. But Why Do I Need A Reason To Live? Am I Planning To Die? Yes And No. I’m Not Planning To Die. I Don’t Want To. I Want To Live. I Want To Live A Long Life. And However Hard It Seems, I Will Live It.

I Don’t Understand Why I Want To Live, Though. Everything Seems Pointless. I Don’t See Anything Alluring In This Life. But I Myself Doubt My Words. Because There Is Actually A Reason Why I Want To Live. And That Reason Is Wonderful. It’s A Very, Very Beautiful Reason. But Again, I Can’t Speak Of It. Because It’s Not Acceptable Where I’m Living. But Yes, I Will Speak Of It Someday, My Beautiful Reason.

But There’s Something In Me, A Part Of Me, Which Tells Me That It’s Not The Only Reason. There’re Many Other Secondary Reasons, Which Again, I Can’t Speak Of. And Now There’s Another Part Of Me, Which Tells Me That Even If All Those Reasons Didn’t Exist, I’d Still Live. But, Why? Well, I’d Live Just Because.

Coming Back To Why This Day Ended Up Becoming Nightmarish, It’s Because I Lost Another Part Of My Dignity Today. I Don’t Understand It. Why Am I Like This? Why Am I Not Normal? Why Do I Think Like This? They Say I’m Wrong, That My Thoughts Are Wrong, But Then Why Do I Strongly Feel That I’m Right? Sometimes I Feel Like I Don’t Own My Thoughts, Like I Can’t Be Sure If What I’m Thinking Is Really What I’m Thinking. But I’ve Noticed One Thing, That I Wasn’t Like This Before.

I’ve Also Noticed That I’m Changing. Rapidly. And I Can Speak Of When This Started Happening. This All Started Happening After 2018, January 6th. That Day Changed My Entire Life And Myself. Many Times, I Feel Like I’ve Become Worse Than Before, But Othertimes, I Just Like Myself. I Really Like Myself. I Like How I Think. I Like My Personality. I Like My Character. I Actually Love Myself. But Maybe I’m Wrong. Maybe I’m Not A Good Person. But Whatever That Thing Is, Which Is Controlling My Mind, Is Making Me Love Myself. I Don’t Know.

I’ve Heard Everyone Say That Stay Positive. And I Feel I’m Very, Very Positive, And Many Agree With Me. But They Say I’m Very Negative. And I’m Left Confused Again. Maybe Again, That Controller Is Making Me Think That. There’s Lot I Want To Say Yet, But I Can’t. My Phone’s Battery Is 9%. And Also My Hands Are Freezing. But I Want To Write A Little More. Just A Little More And Then I’ll Be Able To Breathe Better.

I Don’t Really Know What Topic To Choose To Write. Maybe I Could Talk About How I Felt Today Again That I Hate Being Myself And Yet I Love Being Myself. But There’s One Thing I Again Understood. And That’s That Being A Girl Is The Biggest Curse On Me. It Hurts So Much. It Hurts So Damn Much.

But I Still Want To Be A Girl. Because I Like Myself If How I Am. And The Best Part Of Myself I Think Is That I’m Willing To Change, And By Change I Mean, Upgrade Myself, Change For Better, Become A More Better Person, A Good Person. I Don’t Want To Limit Myself And I Don’t Do It. I Tend To Be Unlimited.

But They Say That I’m So Limited, That I’ve Made Huge Walls Around Me And I Don’t Want To Go Out. But I Feel Completely Opposite. I Feel That If I Try, I Can Be Anything. I Never Want To Build Any Walls. I’m Not Limiting Myself. I Don’t Know Why Do They Think So. I’m A Kid. And Everyone Say That Kids Don’t Know What’s Right Or Wrong. So I Feel That Maybe I’m Wrong About Every Thought I’ve Ever Had. But Yet Again, Everyone Also Say That There’s No One Who Knows You Better Other Than You, Yourself. And That Leaves Me Confused. Do I Really Know Myself? Or Am I Wrong About All My Thoughts?


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