Diary -2019, May 8th, Wednesday, 18:34 IST

Dear Diary,


May 8th. 8th. Despite Everything, I Still Love This Day. I Can’t Hate 8th. So I Think, Whatever It Did Happen Today, Even If It Kills, It Is For Good. For Best. Because 8th Is The Best Always. I Do Think I Want To Die. But Actually Not. I’m Afraid, That It’ll Be Even Worse In Death. But More Than That, I Really Don’t Want To Die. Because Life Is Still So Beautiful. Because I Want To Live Through The 8th Of Every Month. I Live For It. I’m Grateful For It. And Hence I Believe, That It’ll Be Good. It’ll Be Good.

For A While, A Little While, I Thought I Got Back Everything And That Good Is Coming My Way. But It Was An Illusion, Again, Just Like Any Other Time. But One Day, One Day Definitely, A Day Like This, Like Today Would Be An Illusion. I Believe In It Strongly. With All Of Me. And That Day, I Will Cry Again. But With A Smile. A Beautiful One. And I Do Have A Beautiful Smile. A Sunshine Bright Smile. So I’ll Smile More. So That, If Not Me, It Can Brighten The World Of The One Who Sees It.

But I Also Want Brightness In My World. It Hurts A Bit That I’ve Still More Of Darkness. The Sun Is There Definitely. Just It’s A Bit Far Away For Now. My Home Is Far Away. But It Is Worth The Little Tough Journey Towards It. My Home Is So Beautiful. So Very Beautiful. When You’ll See It, You’ll Be So Jealous. It Is My Best Treasure. My Only One, Perhaps. And I’m Proud Of It. It Is My Beautiful Little Secret For Now. My Home.

My Home Is The Brightest Place On Not Just This Earth, But Even The Universe. And Even The Universe Adores Its Beauty. Because It’s So Beautiful. It Is Bright, Bright Like The Sun. It Is Warm, Warm Like The Sun. And It Is Fierce, Fierce Like The Sun. It Is Cozy, Safe. Safe. So You See, A Little Of Vulnerability Now, But Definitely I’ll Be Safe Soon When I Go Home.

I’m A Lot Homesick. It Does Hurt. But Not Enough. It Is More Strengthening, Reminding Me Why I’m Doing What I Am, And Why I Should Continue Doing It. For, Home.

I Feel Like Wanting To Die. But I’m Not Serious. I’m Probably Just Craving Attention, As They Say. And Maybe I Actually Am. Not Yours, But A Particular Type Of Attention, An Attention I Won’t Be Getting Any Time Soon. And So I Think Of Trying To Die, So I Get Attention. But My Soul Doesn’t Agree. Because It Knows That The Only Attention I Will Get After It, Will Be All Negative.

The Negative Worse Than How It Is Now, The Negative Worse Than How It Was Before. I Do Not Want It. And So, It Is Okay That It Hurts A Little Now. Just A Little, It Does. Just A Bit. It’s Fine. Because I Heal Quickly. Because The Sun Still Shines.

So I Feel Fight, This Urge, This World. So That Soon, One Day, I Go Home. Home. And Live Happily Ever After. No, No. Not Like In One Of The Disney Fairytales. Just The One Which I Have In Mind. The Realistic One. The One Which Might Even Encounter Death, But Still Stand High. Only Because. I’ll Be Home.

I Will, Right?

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