Diary – 2020, March 4th, 2:38 AM IST

Dear Diary,


2 Hours 39 Minutes Of My Birthday Has Passed. The First One To Wish Was My High-School Bestie. She’s Crazy. She Wished Me On Messenger, Instagram, WhatsApp, Gmail And Just Everywhere. She Sang Such A Beautiful Birthday Song For Me, Playing The Guitar With It. She’s So Good At It. I Really Really Admire It. And I’m So Grateful To Have Her.

I Was Busy Checking Up Everything About The Launch. Checking For Broken Links And All. Then My Parents Called. My Father Sang ‘Happy Birthday To You’. My Mother Would Ask From Background, “You Had Dinner?” “Happy Birthday.” “What Did You Have For Dinner?” I Said, “Thank Youu… And I Ate Biscuits With Milk.” My Mother Got Angry And Said Why Didn’t I Have A Meal. Typical Mother. I Explained How I Wasn’t Feeling Really Hungry. But She’d Just Still Be Same And Then Ended It With Saying That I Should Eat A Lot Today. Then We All Talked For A While. My Sister Wished Me, Too. My Brother Was Already Asleep. After Talking About Random Things, I Cut The Call.

I Then Checked Texts From My Other Bestie Who’s From Hungary And Talked With Her For A Few Minutes. We Talked About Her Gift For Me. I’ll Share About It Later. Then My Best Friend, My Twin-Soul Texted Me.

He Was 30 Something Minutes Late. It Has Never Happened. I Already Knew Something Was Wrong. And I Knew It Had To Do With His Appointment With The Psychologist. After A While, We Started Talking About It. He Basically Told Me All That Happened Except A Few Things. I Could Feel Him. I Could Feel The Stress Building Up In Him And His Pain Because Of What He Just Heard. I Could Feel His Guilt. He Didn’t Want It All To Happen It. Especially Not Today. I Feel Guilty, Too.

And I’m Sorry. I Shouldn’t Have Forced Him To Go Through With This. I Thought It’d Help Him. And Maybe It Did. But How Can I Know That When He’s In So Much Pain? I Feel Really Really Bad. He Knows Of It. He Thinks It’s His Fault. That He’s Spoiling My Birthday. More Guilt, He Feels. But It’s Not His Fault.

My Birthday Is Not Like Other People’s Birthdays. It’s Not A Day I Ever Really ‘Celebrated’. It Was Always Just A Day For Me To Start Afresh. Every Year, Today, I Try To Right A Wrong In My Life. And This Year, Among Other Things, This Is What I Want To Do. If You’d Ask What I’d Like For My Birthday, Then It Would Be To Go To Him. To Go There And Hug Him. This Is The Deepest Desire Of My Heart. Just To Hug Him And Say It, Looking Into His Eyes, That I Love Him. With All My Heart, Mind And Soul.

I Know That He’d Come Here Soon. But It’s Still Not Soon Enough. And I Fear That A Lot Of Wrongs Can Happen In Between. But I’d Stay Optimistic. I Have To. And I’m Strong Enough To Be. I’ve Waited For It For 1 Year, 7 Months And 25 Days. What’re A Few Months More? It’s A Bit Painful, But It’s Okay. He’d Be Reading This Diary And He’d Completely Ignore “It’s Okay.” His Focus Will All Zoom In On “Painful”.

But How Should I Explain It That It’s Not That Entirely? There Are Other Emotions. But He’s Stubborn. It’d Really Take That Hug For Him To Really Believe That It’s All Real After All. And That Brings Me Back To It. I Want To Give Him That Hug. And I Cannot Today. So No ‘Happy’ Birthday. It’s Just Birthday. But It’s Not Sad, Either. It’s Just It. Just Neither Happy Nor Sad. It’s Just It.

Again, That’s Nothing To Feel Guilty About, My Love.

Yet He Wouldn’t Understand. It’s Okay. It’s A Human Thing To Focus More On Negatives Than Positives. It’s Normal. He’s Feeling Argumentative Reading This. But Hey, It’s My Birthday!

It’s Not Sad But There’s Still So Much Pain Around Me, In Me. All Because I Want To Love Someone I Love But My Circumstances Are Completely Against Me. But It’s Okay. Circumstances Change. I Just Noticed It’s 3:06 AM. I’ve To Wake Up At 6. But I’m Not Sleepy. I’m Just Worried. Worried About Him. He Asked Me To Leave Him Alone Just For Today. I Understand Him. But It Worries Me More.

He’s Never Asked Me That. He’s Always, Always Wanted To Be More Close To Me Everytime He’s In Pain. But Today It’s Different. I Wonder How Much Painful It Must Be. Part Of Me Knows That It’s My Fault. But I’m Not Going To Feel Just Guilty. I’m Concerned. I Want To Do Something And I’d Do Anything. I’d Do Anything Which Would Make Him Feel Better.

I Might Be Sounding Very Typical Lover Girl. But Don’t Judge Already. You Know Nothing About Us. You Know Nothing We’ve Been Through. So Be Kind And Don’t Judge.

I Must Sleep. But My Eyes Have Other Plans. Anyways I Must Sleep. I’ll Continue This Later Today. I’ve Lots And Lots To Say. And For The First Time, I Feel Free. Because This Is My Home. And How Accurate That It’s A Gift From Him. He Thinks That He Made My Birthday Bad By Being Like That. But He Doesn’t Realize That He Gave Me One Of The Best Gifts Of My Life In Form Of This Place.

I Must Stop Writing But I Just Cannot. It’s Like How A Teenager Who Just Turned 18 Has Its First Legal Drink And Cannot Stop Drinking, Scared That If It Does, It Might Never Be Able To Again. That’s The Thing About Freedom. It Feels Too Good To Be True. But That’s Not What I Want To Say Really.

I Still Worried. Very Very. And If There Was Someone To Beg To, I’d Even Beg To Be With Him Right Now. (Don’t Judge The Choice Of Words. Understand The Feeling.) Not Get Close Though Because I Know He Wants To Be Alone. But Still Just Be Around. Just Being There So That Whenever He Starts Feeling To Be With Me Again, I’m There Immediately. Hug Him Heart-To-Heart.

It’s Not Romance, No. It’s Love. I Love Him. I Love My Best Friend, My Twin-Soul. And He’s Everything To Me. My Best Friend, My Boyfriend, My Brother, My Father, And My Forever Companion. I Sounded Like A Cheesy Magical Love. But It’s Only A Mutually-Beneficial Relationship Between Two Humans(I’d Say Selfish Humans But There’s No Such Thing As Selfless Humans).

That Being Said, Right Now, It’s Time To Benefit Him. I Don’t Know Why It’s So Hard To Understand. I Mean, I Know There Are A Hell Too Much Of Almost Heartless People But Hey, I’m Not One Of Those. I Really Am Not. Yes, I Wanna Take Care Of Somebody Because It Makes Me Feel Good About Myself. So Technically I’m Only Doing It To Feel Good Myself. It’s Very Selfish Kind Of Selfless As You See. And That’s How My Love Is For Him.

Right Now I Feel Like He Needs To Feel It So So Much. And It Kills Something In Me To Not Be Able To Make Him Feel It. But What Can I Give In These Circumstances Other Than My Words And My Attention? I Wish Things To Be Different. But It’s Okay. We’re Together. And As Long As That’s True, Nothing In This World Is Really Unachievable. And That’s Why, Although Someday Our Relationship Might Come To An End, We Will Never. We Will Go On. Forever And Ever More. Because My Best Friend, I Love You.

There. I Said It. What I’ve Wanted To Say For As Long As It Has Been True. I Love Him. And Nobody And Nothing Can Change That. Now I Feel Free. A Tiny-Bit-Happy Birthday To Me?

Buy A Beautiful Diary.

Diary Is A Wonderful Friend. Do You Keep A Diary? Comment Down Below And Tell Me.

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