Oh-No-One-Died

I Don’t Know How To Start This… And I Wish I Never Had To… But I Do Now… It’s Becoming Too Much. I Cannot Handle This Anymore. And Yes, I Say That About Almost Everything I Write Here, Never Means There Are No Things I Can Handle. There Are. Just I Seldom Share Those. Though Now This Situation, I Cannot Bear Anymore. But Hey, It’s Not Like I Can Move Away. Can’t Even Cry. Got To Be In It For A Pretty While More.

It’s Wonderful How Much Damage This, ‘Me’, Can Take In One Blow. But It’s The Most Intriguing Thing How It Still Keeps Intact Blow After Blow. Now Newton’s Third Law States, Every Action Has An Equal And Opposite Reaction. And I Fear That This ‘Equal And Opposite Reaction’ For Each Of These Blows Is Something Even Nastier As I Cannot Even Put A Finger Upon It Yet.

But It’s Not Like I Can Do Anything, LOL. Just Like How I Cannot Do Anything In This Situation. Or Any Situations. Things Are Just Always Out Of Control. And The Worst Part Is Not That. The Worst Part Is That You Still Are Unable To Snap Out Of The Illusion Which Makes You Think That You Can Control It.

Ah, I Am Seriously Tired, Now. (I Say That All The Time, BTW.) So Enough Of Beating Around The Bush. How Long Am I Going To Hide? I Don’t Need To Lie Here Like Everywhere. This Is My Space. I Do What I Like. I Say What I Like. And If This Space Were Real, Then I’d Love To Scream So Loudly, So Loudly. But Here I Cannot. Ah, I Don’t Want To Be Here. I Don’t Like It Here. (Again, I Say That For Everywhere.)

I Feel Stupid Totally. I Had So Many Things To Say… Very Directly… But I’m Not Able To. All Because I Fear That Someone Will Take The Wrong Meaning And I’d End Up With A Fate Worse Than Death. And Yes, There Exists A Fate Like That. And Since I Know Of It, I’d So Much Prefer Death Over It. Death To Me Would Be A Mercy. But I Can Never Have It. Not On My Own At Least.

I Don’t Say That I Hate Life. I Don’t. I Love Life. Just I Don’t Exactly Have It. Now, Now… Don’t You Get All Judgy And Say That I’m Not Appreciating What I Have. You Don’t Tell A Person With A Fractured Bone That They Should Be Grateful That They Didn’t Die. Trust Me, They Are.

But Being Grateful Doesn’t Mean That They’ll Just Ignore That They’ve A Fractured Bone. “Oh, I Fractured My Bone, It Hurts.” “Oh, No, I Cannot Cry. I Should Be Grateful I Didn’t Die. I Should Be Happy.” “Oh, My, I Just Found Out I Have Cancer. But Wait, I Shouldn’t Cry Yet… I’m Not Dead, I Should Be Happy.” “Oh, My Friend Died. Wait, I Cannot Cry, Others Are Still Alive. I Should Be Happy.” That’s What You Expect, Right, People? That People Just Go Around Being Happy-Go-Lucky And Become Nearly Emotionless.

Crying

Yes, Sadness Is Also An Emotion, Lack Of Which Will Make A Person Emotionless. And Since It’s A Human Emotion, It Is A Part Of Humanity. And Every Human, Has Rights About Humanity. So, Please… Stop Being So Foolish. Optimism Is One Thing, Emotionless Is Another. You’ll Never Know Light Without The Darkness. When A Person Is Hurt, Let Them Cry. It’s Needed. Crying Will Help Them Control Themselves. Soon They’ll Themselves Realize The Better And Get Over The Opposite. Everyone, All People, Have Right To Be Sad. And I’m Not Talking Of Depression.

Psychologically, The Two Are Different And Hence Not To Be Confused With Each Other. Depression Is Accumulated Sadness Over Long Periods Of Time. It Is Exactly What Happens When You Keep It All In, Just In The Name Of Optimism. And It Hurts. Real Bad. I Don’t Know It Much. Just I Can Guess Because I Do Know Accumulated Sadness. It Accumulated Because I Was Never Allowed To Express It, Embrace It Because, “Oh, No One Died, Why Are You Crying?” Hey, I’m Hurting. “No, This Is Not Hurt. Stop Being So Dramatic.” Wow, Thank You. For Adding To My Already Piled Up Pain.

You See? That’s What I’m Talking About. And I’m Not Talking Just Anything. I Have Felt It All. There Was A Time When I Was At home. I Wasn’t Allowed To Cry Or Be Sad. (I Wasn’t Allowed To Smile All The Time, Too, Because… Well, Story For Another Time.) So My Sadness Started Accumulating.

And Now I’m Not home. But Surprisingly, I Still Cannot Cry. Because I’m So Used To Keeping It All In. And So, Now Even If I’m Badly Hurt, I Cannot Express It. I Don’t Know How To. I Never Learned. I Just Know How To Keep It All In. And Trust Me, Wonderful Feeling.

I Sometimes Feel Like I’m Becoming Emotionless. I Even Feel A Little Devilish. And I Feel That By Keeping This Up, I’m Only Feeding The Evil In Me. I Sometimes Start To Judge People Who Cry So Easily. And I Envy Them. And I Almost Start To Hate Them… I Feel Like Wanting To Go And Say, “Hey, No One Died!” But I Don’t. Because Guess What? I Still Have My Sanity.

And It’s Not Exactly Merry Feeling. It’s Bad Bad. Now Every Time I Go Through Something Bad, When I’m Supposed To Be Sad And Crying, I Just Don’t… I Mean I So Much Want To… I Want To, Scream, As I Said Before. And I Want To Just… Let It All Out. But I’m Scared.

I’m Scared That If I Let It All Out, Something Even Worse Would Happen…

What If Someone Finds Out And Says That No One Died? What If I Die If I Let It Out? What If It’s Illegal To Cry? What If People Kill Me For It? Is It Right To Do This? Is It Human To Cry? Are A Few Questions I Ask Myself Every Time. It Might Very Much Sound Stupid But It’s Real. It’s Real… And It Hurts… It Is Breaking Something In Me… And I Feel Like Wanting To Break Everything Outside Too… But I Cannot… And Just… It Hurts Soooo Bad… Almost Lovely… Like…

At One Point You Start Speaking Gibberish… And When You Try To Just Let It Go, All That Comes Out Is A Laugh… And You End Up Smiling… A Smile You Never Meant… And Then It Becomes Such A Nasty Habit That You Can No Longer Distinguish Between Happiness And Sadness And No One Around You Can Help You Either Because No One Knows Because You Freaking Smile In Both Situations… And A Smile So Good, Who’d Ever Doubt It? Who’d Ever See Through It…

And No Matter How Much You Want It All To Be Over, It Never Does… It Only Becomes More And More Of Whatever It Is… And The Only Way To Stop It Is To Fight It Head On By Embracing It. But.

I Don’t Know How. I Know Actually… Just… I Cannot. I Cannot… I Want To So Much… But I Cannot. All I Know Is That I Cannot… I’m Not Allowed To… It’s Not Right… But Oh, I Want It So Much… And This Almost Makes Me Cry But Hey, No One Died. Yet.


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