Death And Incoherence

“While I thought I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.”

Leonardo da Vinci

Death. Something I Was Never Afraid Of. Something That Never Scared Me. Something I Was Not Desperate About. Something I Took As A Positive. Something, Which Symbolized A New Beginning. Something Which Symbolized Afterlife, A Beautiful Place, Dreamland.
But I Woke Up.

And, Now, The Reality. “I Don’t Fear Death So Much As I Fear It’s Prologues: Loneliness, Decrepitude, Pain, Debilitation, Depression, Senility. After A Few Years Of Those, I Imagine Death Presents Like A Holiday At A Beach.”

There’s Light Now. So White That I Can’t See Anything Else Than White-white. And, All I Wish Now Is To Close My Eyes. Shut The Light Out And Fall Back Into The Oblivion. I Came From The Dark, Black Oblivion And I Must Go Back There. I Belong There, Into The Darkness Of Dark Black.

Gustave Dore - Death on the Pale Horse

This Is The New Version Of Dark. A New Black. An Alluring Dark Black. And This Time, There’s No Cold, No Fog, No Feeling. Or Maybe There Is? But Who Cares? As Long As It’s, Alluring, I’ll Go Deep In, All The Way Down, And Savor The Feeling Of It. The Numbness, The Sensational Emptiness, All Of It. There’s No Pain Here, There’s No Pleasure. It’s All Empty. And It’s Real. It’s Like How It Should Have Been Always – Dark, Deep, Black, No-feeling, Numb, Stupor, Oblivion, Non-existence, Never-ending, All Void And Empty. This Is Death. This Is Death.

For A Long, Long Time, I’ve Believed In A Dreamy Death, An Incoherent, Unintelligible, Absurd, Pathetic Vision Of Death. But, I Won’t Be Fooled Again. I Will Not Believe The Rebel. I Will Not Believe In Hope. I Will Not Believe In The So-Called-Adventurous-Endeavour Life. This Time, I Am Not Letting Myself Believe In Illusionary Inarticulate Incoherence Of Life. I Am Sick Of Crying In Pain All Night And Waking Up Making My Mind Thinking I’ll Make It Through, Repeating The Cycle All Over Again. It Cannot Convince Me. Not Anymore. I Will Not Let It Happen. Not Now. Not Ever.

But, Who The Hell I Am To Think That? Who Gave Me The Right To Decide For Myself And Want Something For Myself? I Should Be Laughed To Even Believing That I Can Take Control And Be Completely Selfish. This Is More Pathetic Then Ever. I’m Not Supposed To Do Something For Myself. I’m Not Allowed To. I’m Cursed. I Cannot Die Nor Can I Live.

I Can Inhale But It’ll Be Stopped Mid-Way, And Just When It’ll All Be Close Enough To Stopping, The Breath Comes In. And Then I Exhale, And Yet Again, I’m Stopped Mid-way And Then Started Again. It’s An Amusing Kind Of Suffocation, In That, That The Mid-way Pause Is Never Considered. It’s Never Known. Just Felt, Like Thousands Of Needles All Over. The Movement Is Allowed, But Just A Little.

It’s Like This. There’s A Low High With A Pointed Peak At Every Long Regular Interval And Then There’s A Deep, Deep, Wide Low. And Just When It’s Getting Too Low, The Pointed Peak Appears. Before It Can Even Be Registered, The Fall Into The Deep Pit Occurs. Just Like That, This Fine Cycle Carried On And On And On And On. And, I, A Full Flesh, Body, Mind, Soul, And Conscience, Am Supposed To Be Grateful For Those Pointed Peaks. Oh, Hell With The Gratefulness!

But, Now Is The Part When I Say, That Oh, I’m Going To Fight It All And Be Sassy About It. But, Nah. I Won’t. Not Again, Am I Going To Believe In Ridiculously Outrageous Concepts And Think About It Anymore. I Am Going To Give Up. Now And For All. And Bring All Who Think They Can Stop Me From Getting It. I’m Going To Show Them How Dark The Darkness Can Be. They’ll Drown The Moment They Step Up. And There’s No Way Out. There Is No Way Out!

Who Do They Think They Are? They Can Control The Physical, That Something Which They Can Hold Onto, The Body And The Delicious Part Of Mind, But What About The Soul? What About This Non-existent Overpowering Entity Which Is Par Any Of Their Ludicrous Ideas Of Control?

They Cannot Control It. Face It, You All. They Can Not. They Can Control From The Physical Body From Giving Up, From Drowning All In And Dying Ultimately. Yes, The Body Can Be Chained And Gagged With Food And Stuff To Keep Being Alive. But, Darlings, What About The Soul? How Will They Control It? What About The Conscience? They Can’t Control It. And They Dare Not Try, For It Can End Pretty Quite Black.

So, I Get My Way In This. I Get To Control My Soul. And I Get To Choose Whether It Lives Or Dies, Whether It Feels Or Not, Whether It Exists Or Not. And I Choose To Die. I Choose To Not Feel. I Choose To Not Exist. And, You, And They, And Anybody Else Is Not Stopping Me From Doing Anything I Want With My Soul. It Is Mine! And I Chose What I Want With It.

And, I, Have Chosen Black For Myself, Dark Black-black; The One Which Involves Not-feeling.

To Be Continued…

Notes To My Dear Readers:

  • It’s Not A Suicide Note!! Don’t Get All Melodramatic And Start Hyperventilating.
  • My Sincere Apologies For Not Posting All This Time.
  • I’d Like You All To Share Your Views On Death. No One Will Be Judged. And, I’m Open To Any Questions And Suggestions You Have.
  • Next Part Coming Soon.

Special Notice:

Soon Enough, I’m Going To Launch A New Section, For A Different Kind Of Stories. Hope You Like It. Thank You For All Your Support, And Time You Spent Reading My Ramblings. Until Later.

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