Diary – 2021, January 6th, 19:19 IST

Dear Diary,

I Just Noticed The Date. 3 Whole Years Have Passed And Yet I’m At The Same Spot As I Was 3 Years Ago. It’s Fascinating, Isn’t It? Life And All About It. I Seem To Not Be Wanting Anymore Though. I’m Obsessed. With The Idea That Maybe That’s It. That’s How I’m Supposed To Go. There’s One Thing, One Only Thing I Believe I Have Full Control On And Most Probably, Very Likely Will Not Have To Bear It’s Consequences. And Guess That’s Why, I’m Obsessed. There’s A Certain Beauty About It. I’ve Been Thinking Of It For Years. More Than 3 Years. Really. I Mean, Yes, I Feel Guilty And Bad For Hurting People Like I’m Being Hurt But It’s Again Being A Little Too Much. And This Time, I Don’t Feel So Confident That It’s A Phase And A Mood And A Period I’d Just Get Over. I’m Conflicted. I Don’t Know Whether To Do It Or Not. And I’m Almost Certain That It Won’t Work But The Tiny Shred Of Possibility That It Might Allures Me Like Nothing Else. It Is Intoxicating. How Funny? Everything Around Is Everything Related To Toxicity. What Am I?

I Change The Paragraph Because I Just Want To Keep Respecting The Language. Stupid, Isn’t It? I Can Control This Actually But Wonder Why I Just Don’t. Guess I’m The Stupid. It’s Actually Making More Sense If I Say That I’m The Wrong One. Because That Thing About Majority Wins, Ugh. Anyways You See, I Seem To Have Hit That Black Wall Again. More Like, I Believe I’m Inside It. Oh, Goodness, I Hate The Voices Around Me. Stupid People. Stupidest People. Ugh. I Hate And Love Them All. Owhslqhdlwhdwohdoiejwos.

I Can’t Even Explain It. Okay, You See, My Sister Is Talking With Her ‘Bestie’ Who’s The Definition Of Not A Good Friend In All Sane World And Yet She’s Laughing And Talking To Her So Good. And I’m Not Jealous Because I’ve Such Greatly Better One And The Fucking Thing About It Is That I Just Kinda Hate Happy People Right Now. Or Maybe It’s Just Her. Who Knows?

Either Ways I Still Feel Like Dying Would Be Whole Lot Better Than All This. You See People Do Say That, “Oh, There’s Always A Way… And It’s A Permanent Solution For A Temporary Problem… And You’re Stronger Than This… And Blah Blah Blah…” But, You See… I Know There’s A Way. Not Just ‘A’ But There Are Many Ways. The Only Little Problem Is That I Can’t Really Go Those Ways You See, I’m Chained Like That. And That Tiny Little Problem, However Temporary, Has A Good Permanent Solution. The Point Here, Is Not About Temporary Or Permanent But That Solution Being The Only Plausible One. So That’s Why It’s More Alluring, You See? And I Am Definitely Stronger Than That. That’s Why I’m Wanting To Do It. It Takes A Lot Of Courage And All Those Positive Shit To Actually Be Able To Do It. I Haven’t Completely Reached There Yet But In No Time. And Why I’m Completely Not There Yet? Well, You See, I Think A Lot. I Probably Overthink I Realized Some Time Ago But That’s Not The Point.

I Think And I Think That When I’m Gone, What Might Happen. I Mean Obviously I Won’t Be Affected Then Because I’d Just Be Gone. POOF. But Those Who Will, I Care About Some Of Those. And Although I Wouldn’t Feel The Pain After, I Would Feel A Lot Of It In That Split Second Before ‘Before’ And ‘After’, That Point Of Space-Time When I’d Exist And Not Exist All At The Same Time. Somewhat Poetic Like Schrödinger’s Cat. So In That Moment, I’d Feel Immense Pain. And I Kinda Don’t Like That. I Mean I’d Like To At Least Go Painless. It Wouldn’t Be Fun Otherwise. I’d Just Be In Pain Throughout My ‘Life’. But I’d At Least Go Strong. Yet, I Think. I Think About Those Some. Not My Parents, No, Because They’d Be Hurt For A While But They’d Actually Be Better Off. If Anything I’d Leave A Huge Book Note For Them Explaining How They Could Have Avoided Feeling That Much Hurt. So Maybe I’d Be Doing My Siblings A Favour I Believe. Anyways, It’d Be Even Better Since They’d Have One Less Girl Child To Worry About And One Less Mouth To Feed And Etc. Then There’s Extended Family And Tons Of Acquaintances… Oh, There’s Another Fight Going On Here… Hehe. Anyways, So Those People They’d Feel Bad And All For A While And Then Move On. But Then, There’s A Few. A Few Who If Gone Would Break Me. So I Think Same Might Happen To Them If I Do. There’s Certainly Him. I Still Can’t Believe That He Really Thinks Of Me As Family But I Trust Him So Much And I Know He Does And If He Does So Much, Then I’d Be Doing The Cruelest Crime In The World. I Cannot Do That. I Go For Selfish Reasons But I Can’t Be Cruel. And That Stops Me The Most Really. Ah The Fight Seems To Be Escalating… Well It Kinda Just Takes Me Another Step Forward Towards Mission March Forth. So Anyways… You See.. There’s Him. And Then There’s Her. Different Kind Of Bond But As Much Strong. And It’d Be Equally Cruel If Not More To Do This To Her. I Mean, He’s, Everyone Moves On. Every Fucking Human Moves On Because It’s In The Fucking Bones But The Pain, Even If For A Microsecond Is Devastating And I Hesitant More Now After Seeing The World With My Grandpa Gone From It. So You See…. The Worst Is Not That I Can’t Live, But That I Can’t Even Die. And I’m Dying To Die. If These Two People Along With Those Two Others Which I Didn’t Have Energy To Talk About Were To Disappear From This World, Then I Would Die That Very Moment And I Would Die Even If I Had To Cut My Own Wrist. I’m Scared Of Sharp Things And Blood But I Think I’ll Do It If That’s What It Takes.

My World Is Devastating. Do Not Come Here. Because I Wish You To Disappear When You Do. In An Ideal World, The Non-Existent, I Mean, I’d Wish You The Closest To Me. Because I Cherish You When I’m Me. But The Dark In Me, Gets Selfish With Every Passing Hour And Hence, I Wish You All Would Disappear. So I Could, Too. I Wish, I At Least Go Poetic. Forgive Me, For It’d Make My ‘Now’ Easier. But Don’t Forgive Me, For It’d Make My ‘Then’ Much Easier. You See, I Think I’d Feel Less Of All Of It Which Is Considered Feeling Bad, If I Could Hug And Cry. Never Done That Ever. And My Family, The Real One, Would Lemme Do It. But Just Like You, They Are All, Miles Of Texts, Away.


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