How To Feel When Someone Dies?

That’s What My Google Search Was When I Woke Up To The News That NanaG Died. It’s Weird, You Know? I’ve Never Been On A Funeral Before. I’ve Never Seen A Dead Body. But Just Like 2020 Made Me Experience My First Flight, It Made Me Experience This As Well. He Died Yesterday Only. But Only A Few Know. Papa Knew. He Didn’t Tell Mummy Because He Wanted Her To Sleep One More Night With That Last Shred Of Hope. We All Did. A Bit. But We All Somehow Knew. Everyone Knew. We Could Feel It In The Air. The Morning Today Was Weird. Very Weird. It’s The First Time I Woke Up At 7 In This Quarantine Period. 2020 Did That, Too. It’s A Stupid Year. It’s Like A Never Ending Nightmare. I Really Feel Like I’ll Just Wake Up And Find Out That Everyone’s Healthy And Happy. And I Thought Papa Was Playing A Stupid Prank On Us When He Said We’ve To Go To Nana’s House. Of Course Now It Isn’t His House Anymore. He Just Left To Explore Other Universes Out There. Guess That’s What He Meant When He Said Two Days Ago That He Wants To Travel After All This Is Over. But He Said We’ll All Go Together. And He Just Left Alone. That’s Not Fair. Nothing Is Fair In This Year. It’s A Stupid Year. And I’m Not Able To Cry. Am I Supposed To Cry? I Hear Hundreds Of People Crying. My Mother Is Crying Loudly. My Aunts As Well. Nani Doesn’t Cry Though. I Think She’s Like Me. She Doesn’t Know How To Feel. But I Think She’s Worse. Because She Doesn’t Know What To Feel. Or Is It She Knows What But Doesn’t Know How? I Don’t Know. I Also See Men Cry. Nana’s Sons And Nephews And Many Other People. His Older Brothers Are Alive. Much Older. They’ve Touched Death And Come Back. And He Didn’t. Why Not? The World Is So Unfair. Stupid. Oh Now People Are Back From Burning Him. NaniG Is Back. She’s Finally Crying. She’s Crying The Loudest. She’s Recovering From The Shock. Realising It Now. The Gravity Of All Of It. But I Still Can’t Cry. I Don’t Know How. It’s Weird. Everyone’s Crying Why Can’t I? It’s Weird. It’s A Lot Of Weird. You Know She Saw Him The Last. She Heard Him The Last. She Said He Asked Her Why She Came. She Said She Just Did. Just Because. I’m Glad She Did. She Said She Was Going To See Him Again Later. But Guess He Didn’t Wanted To See Her Anymore. He Didn’t Want To See Anybody Anymore. Guess He Was In Too Much Pain. That’s Why He Went Away. To His Parents And His Other Siblings Out There. Wherever It Is. Maybe It’s Oblivion. Which Is Good Too. At Least He Doesn’t Feel Anything. Or Maybe It’s AfterLife. Which Is Great Because Then There’s A Hope For All Of Us. To See Him Again One Day. I Don’t Wish Sooner But Someday Soon. There’s At Least Hope. Even If On A Negative Scale. It’s There. And We Need That Hope Somehow. Everyone Does. Maybe That’s The Way To Move On? How To Move On? People Here Clearly Can’t For Now. It’s Very Difficult. A Lot Difficult. Right Now Everyone’s Just Crying. Crying Loudly. I Always Found It Weird. But Now I Understand It. I Understand It Now. It’s Not Weird. It’s The Only Way To Grieve Properly I Think. To Release All That. Whatever It Is. It’s Like A Ball I Think. Something Heavy On The Chest. But You Can Feel It In The Head Too. Like The Weird Feeling Of A Hollow Tube Through Your Body. Nothing Matters. It’s All Weird. The Atmosphere Is Weird Today. The Sky Is Very Weird. There Are A Lot Of Loud Cries All Around. And Yet I Can Hear The Silence. It’s So Loud. Piercing Painful Sound. And All Of This Is Like Music. It’s All Musical. Poetic. Some Part Of It Is Even Beautiful. Maybe. I Don’t Know. I Just Wish I Wake Up Soon. I Never Liked Lucid Dreams. They’re Weird. They’re Stupid. People Are All Coming Back. Crying Still. I Wonder How Much A Human Can Cry? I Think A Lot. They’re Now Cleaning. The Place Where He Was Kept. I Saw Him Lying There. His Body. I Saw It. His Face. With Those Cotton Things Inside His Nose. Why Do They Do It? What If He Comes Back? He Won’t Be Able To Breathe. They Should Instead Keep Him More Comfortable. Not Having Me Slept On Cold Ground. And Why Burn?? That’s So Crazy. I Don’t Like It At All. They Shouldn’t Burn. Burning Means All Hope For A Miracle Gone. Poof. And We Can’t Even Visit Him Like They Do In Movies. It’d Be Better. I Think. It’s Scary. I Don’t Ever Want Anyone To Burnt. It’s Stupid. I Worry About My Parents. I Never Wanna Feel Like How My Mother Is Feeling Right Now. Never. And It’s All Their Fault Actually. He Was Good Person But Stupid. How Can He Be So Careless About His Medication? I Didn’t Expect That From Him Of All People. And I Know Papa Skips Meds, Too. He Better Doesn’t Do It From Now. Or I’ll Be Very Mad At Him. Extremely Mad. I’m Mad At All People Here. Bunch Of Stupidiots. I Wanna Punch Them All In Their Faces. How Can They Be So Careless? You Know They’re Not Practicing Any Preventive Measures For The Coronavirus. And Although The Virus Didn’t Kill Him, It Still Was Stupidity. Everyone’s Stupidity. Especially His. He’s Always A Perfectionist. How Can He Be So Careless. And Everyone Around Him… How Can They Always Expect Him To Be Strong And Careful About Everything? Why Didn’t Anyone Think That He Can Have His Weak Moments And Might Need Taking Care Of. It’s Not Like They Didn’t. They Did. A Lot. But Just Maybe It Was Somehow Not Enough. It Actually Wasn’t Enough. Everyone Here Takes Everything For Granted. And They Also Don’t Believe In Science Much. But The Doctor Clearly Said That The One Med He Skipped Could Have Saved His Life. ONE FUCKING MEDICINE. Not A Prayer, Not Some Magic Voodoo Thingy, Nothing Else. One Medicine. And It’s Not Like He Couldn’t Afford It. He Very Much Could. People Survive From Cancer Even. Abd He Dies Because Of A Stupid Stroke And Blood Thickening. That’s Just Unbelievable. There’s A Lot Of Incoherences Here. It’s Unbelievable. People Just Don’t Understand. My Ear Is Aching. But I Dare Not Remove My Mask. It’s Like A Shield For Me. Somehow. I Don’t Know The Right Expression For This Scenario. So Better Keep All Hidden. It’s Eerily Silent Right Now. People Are Talking About Nicely Cleaning That Floor. It Really Waw Dirty. Good They Cleaned It. Dogs Are Barking Outside. Mummy Would Say It’s His Soul Who Has Come To See Us All In Form Of A Dog. Maybe It Is. He’s Always Been Strict. Very Strict. Any Marriage, Any Funeral, Anu Other Function In The Family, He’d Be The One Leading Organising Managing. And Now Nothing Makes Sense. I Don’t Know How The Functions Will Happen Now. And All Festivals Even. He’d Cook Many Times For Even 50 – 100 People. He Cooks Really Well. He Was A Scout After All. He Learned It At A Very Young Age. He Was Very Disciplined Because Of It. And That’s What He Expected From Everyone Else. Maybe It’s Our Fault That He’s Gone. We Just Weren’t Much Careful. But This Is A Lesson. Next Time Anyone Tells Me That Believing In Science Is No Use And That I Should Pray And Pray With Everything In Me, I’d Remind Them Of Today. I’d Remind Them Of How Prayers Of Hundreds Of People Didn’t Work And While A Single Medicine Would Have. If Only They Believed. And Now They Have To. I’m Gonna Make Them. I’m So Done With Their Stupidity. This Is A Lesson I Take From Today. I Don’t Want My Father To Be Like Him Someday. He’s 51. And He Was 65. If I Don’t Take Care, Then He Very Much Might Only Have 14 Years Left. Probably Less Because He Was Much Stronger And Yet He Went Like That. Papa, On The Other Hand, Isn’t As Strong. Not Physically. Nor Mentally. Not At All Emotionally. He’s Not Really Strong. Maybe That’s Why Even After His Father Is Much Much Older And Is Useless To The World, He Is Still Alive And Healthy. I Hate Him You Know? Everyone Does. I Wish Him Dead Even. But I Now Know Why He Isn’t Yet. Because Papa Isn’t Strong Like Mummy. Mummy Is Back. I Just Can’t See Her Like This. I Wanna Go Back home. I Just Wanna Go Back And Pretend None Of This Happened. Just Wait For Myself To Wake Up. NaniG Is Back. She Changed Her Saree And Removed All Her Jewellery And Wiped Her Sindoor Too Look Like A Widow. Mummy Told Her Not To. But She Said She Wants To. Now She’s Sleeping. I Think She’s Thinking Of Her Husband. Dreaming About Him. That’s The Only Place Where She Can See Him Now. I Wonder How That Might Feel. I Never Wanna Feel Like Her Either. I Wish I Go Away Before Besta. I Don’t Wanna Feel Like Her. But I Don’t Know What’s Worse. Her Without Him Or Him Without Her. I Think Her Without Him. Because He Was Stronger. He’d Habe Survived Somehow. I Just Know. And He Knew It, Too. He Told My Cousin A Few Days Ago That He Wished It. Now I Just Don’t Know How It’ll Be For Her. She’s Just Numb. She’s Barely Cried. She’s Just Numb. Everyone Is. Mummy Is Sleeping, Too. She’s On Periods So She Wasn’t Allowed To See Him From Near Even. See How Stupid People Are Here?? Stupidiots. Either Ways She’s Feeling Sick And Weak. I Gave Her The Medicine So Now She’s Sleeping For A While. I Keep Checking Them Every Once In A While. To See If They’re Breathing Or Not. In Times Like This, You Can’t Be Too Careful. I Just Feel Weird. I Feel Nothing I Think. I Don’t Know What To Feel. But I’m Tired. Yes, I Feel Tired. Very Tired. My Back Is Hurting From Sitting So Long. I Just Worry Of How It’ll Ne From Now On. The House Will Feel Empty. Cold. Like His Dead Body. I Didn’t Touch It. But I Could Feel It. The Absence Of Warmth. The Absence Of Life. I’ve Seen Him Asleep. He Snores. But He Wasn’t Snoring Now. Hr Was Just Lying There. His Eyes Were Weirdly Closed. And His Body Just So Straight. It Looked Heavy. And He Looked Swollen Somehow. He’s Been Really Skinny Lately. He’s Never Been Skinny. He’s So Long. Probably Around 7 Feet Or Something. Dunno. But He’s Never Looked Skinny. He Has Belly. And That’s The Only Thing Which Still Stayed When He Started Looking Skinny A Few Days Ago. And Now He’s Still Skinny But Swollen. No Now He’s Burnt I Think. The Men Aren’t Back Yet. But They’ve Been Gone For So Long. He’s Probably Ashes Now. It’s Just Weird. Scary Weird. My Almost 13 Year Old Cousin Is Finally Not Crying. She Was Very Close To NanaG. She’d Call Him Nana Or Nanu. She’s Lived With Him For Most Of Her Life. Even As A Baby She’d Stay There More Than Her Parents’ House. She Cried A Lot. It’s Weird. And Oh… Priyansh. I Totally Forgot About Him. He’s NanaG’s Grandson. Youngest. He’s Not Even 2 Yet. My Grandpa Threw A Huge Party At His 1st Birthday Last Year. I Wasn’t Here. But I Saw It In Video Call. He Loved Him So Much. When I Came Here Today I Saw Him. Little Thing. Still Smiling Seeing So Many People. He Finds All The Loud Cries Amusing. He’s Just A Kid. If NanaG Can See Him Right Now, He’d Be Relieved. He Wouldn’t Want Him To Feel The Loss. But Still He Did Lose His Dada. He Had Also Spent 20/24 Hours With Him. NanaG Didn’t Like It When He’d Go To His Nana’s House. He Just Always Wanted Him To Stay With Him. And Now He’s Gone Himself. Left Him Without An Entertaining Dada And A Half-Alive Dadi. But Guess He’ll Be A Good Distraction For NaniG. She Also So Spends Her Day Playing With Him. So Maybe He’ll Bring Her Smile Back. I Hope It Happens Soon. But I Also Want Her Mourn Properly. She Needs It. I Worry About Thr Nights. In Day Everyone Would Be There. Lots Of People Coming And Going. But Nights Would Come Heavy. I Wonder How She’ll Sleep. Oh People Are Crying Again. I Think The Men Came Back. Yes, They Did. It’s Them Crying Now. I Just Don’t Want To Hear It Anymore But It’s Also Very Comforting. Some People Are Comforting And Confronting Them To Not Cry Too Much. But People Are Still Crying. A Lot. I’m Just Hugging Whoever I Can. People Don’t Hug Much Here. But I Don’t Know Any Other Way To Comfort. I Just Know How To Side Hug And Hold Hand And Rub Back. I Did That To NaniG. But She Just Is So Numb. I Felt It In Her Skin. Mummy, On The Other Hand, Is Feeling A Lot Of Fear And Pain. She Held On To Me Tight When I Hugged Her. My Younger Aunt Is Feeling Guilt. She First Let Me Hug Her But Then She Pushed Me Away. Because She Felt Like She Doesn’t Deserve The Warmth. She Couldn’t Meet Him In His Final Days Because She Was Herself Very Sick. So She’s Feeling A Lot Of Guilt. Especially Because He Called Her A Few Days Ago And Told Her To Come. He Said He’ll Get Her Treated In His House And Take Care Of Her. But She Didn’t Wanted To Burden Him. So That’s Why She Didn’t Came. And Now She Regrets It. I Feel Sorry For All Of These People. Because It’s Not One Person We’ve Lost. But A Lot Of People In One Person. Some Lose Their Father, Some Their Grandfather, One Lost Her Husband, And Some Lost Their Uncle. Some Lost Their Brother. Some Lost Their Friend. Everyone’s Lost So Much. There’s Sadness, Regret, Grief, Guilt, Anger, Numbness And Everything In That Order In The Air. People Are Staring At Me Sometimes. Because I’m Not Crying And I’ve Been Typing In My Phone For Two Hours. But How Did I Make Them Understand My Way Of Grieving? But I Think Maybe They Already Know It Somehow. I Don’t Know. I’m Really Tired Now. And A Bit Hungry And A Bit Thirsty. And Also Cold. I Really Wanna Go home Now. I Just Can’t Take It Anymore. My Cousin Brother Is Crying, Too. He Was Very Close To Him In His Last Days. He Was The One Taking Care Of Him The Most. And He Also Knew It Before Everyone That He’s Gone. I Hugged Him, Too For A While. Then NaniG Called Him To Come Sit Near Her. He Lied In Her Lap For A While And Then Went Out To Comfort Everyone Again. Everyone Is Somehow Dealing With It. I Feel Really Tired Now. My Thumbs Hurt. I Hope That’s Also An Acceptable Feeling. The Feeling Of Being Tired. Because That’s All I Feel Right Now. Tired. I Think I’ve Cried Enough. In My Own Way. Through Writing. It’s Not A Common Way Of Grieving Maybe But I Only Know This Way To Feel Sad And Express It. I’m Not Even Sure If I’m Sad. I Don’t Know. I Am Sad I Think. For All The Living. It Is True After All. The Funerals Are For The Living And Not The Dead. I’ll Drink Tea Now And Eat Biscuits. I Gotta Stay Healthy So I Can Solve All This Incoherence. I Will Not Fail. I’ve A Lot Of Energy In Me Right Now. I’ll Channel It All And Study Hard And Get A Good Job And Find A Better Place To Live For My Parents. And Then I’ll Set An Example For All The Stupidiots Here. That It’s Not God And Prayers Who Saves But Logic And Science. Careful Planning. I Just Miss Him. A Lot Actually. Okay Now I’ll Cry So I Better Eat And Sleep. I Wish I Could See Him Smiling One More Time. Just One More Time. I Wish I Could Revive Him Like I Do My Teammates In A Game I Play. I Wish It So Much. So Much. I Just Feel Sad Now And Restless. I Think That’s How To Feel But It’s Better Not To Feel. I’m Gonna Stop Feeling Again. Because Feeling Hurts And I Don’t Have Time For It. It’s Not Healthy. Okay I Gotta Go. I’m Tired Of Typing. It’s Too Much Now. I’m Hungry. I’ll Eat Now. And Then Sleep. I Hope Papa Comes Soon And Takes Us home. I Wanna Go home. And More Than That I Wanna Go Home.

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