The UnFeeling…

“Because that’s the thing about Darkness. When I feel it deeply, I don’t want to let it go. It becomes a comfort. I want to cloak myself under its heavy weight and breathe it into my lungs. I want to nurture it, grow it, cultivate it. It’s mine. I want to check out with it, drift asleep wrapped in its arms and not wake up for a long, long time.” 

Stephanie Perkins

Google Says, “Feeling Is An Emotional State Or Reaction, An Idea Or Belief, Especially A Vague Or Irrational One.” Well, Yes, The Feeling, Here, Is Certainly An Emotional State, An Idea, A Belief, But, It Definitely Is Not A Vague One. It’s As Clear As Mud.

But How It Feels? Oh, It Doesn’t! That’s The Thing About This Feeling. It Can’t Feel. It Can Only Be Felt. It’s Numb, Aloof, Reserved, Blank And Bland. It’s Complete, Stony And Frigid. It’s Quite And Cold. It’s Frozen. It’s Space. And It’s Everything.

It’s Deep, So Deep That Even If You’re Falling, You’ll Keep Falling Into Deep Down Infinity, Never Ending, Never Stopping, Descending And Declining More And More. And, Just When You Realize That You Can’t Fall Anymore, That It Can’t Get An Deeper, That’s When You Start To Actually Drown. First You Are Just Soaking And Then You Start Drenching In It But Then It Engulfs You, All Of You. You Let Yourself Sink In It. And This Time You Don’t Actually Desire To Kick Out And Come To Surface. ’cause You Know That There’s No Surface. It’s Just This Depth, Inside And Outside.

At This Moment You Just Want To Sleep, A Never Ending, Eternal Sleep. And, It Feels Good, Because You Know That There’s No One To Wake You Up. But, Good Is Not For You, Darling, It Never Has Been… ’cause Now, It Doesn’t Even Let You Sleep. It Constantly Keeps On Nagging And Hounding, Tormenting You Until You Start Breaking. At First, It Just A Few Cracks. Of Course, You Can Handle That. It’s Just, Nothing.

But Then, There’s More And A Lot More. You Keep Breaking And Breaking And Smashing And Splitting And Bursting And Tearing And Rupturing, Until There’s A Point You Can’t Even See The Cracks. You’re So Broken That It Feels Like It Wasn’t Even Ever Whole. So, Then You Start Hoping That Now That It’s So Broken, It’ll Start Shattering. But, You Know, You Don’t Even Deserve Satisfaction. Because, If It Shatters, You’ll Feel Pain, You’ll Be Hurt. It Means That You’ll Actually Feel Something. But It Doesn’t. Those Infinitesimally Tiny Broken Pieces Keep There, Intact In One Place, Staying With You Forever.

Now, All You Have Is That Hollow Inside Of You. It’s All You Have, The Pit, The Void, And The Emptiness. It’s The Hole Inside You, The Cavity, The Recess And The Dale Valley. It’s Dull, Low, Flat And Toneless. It’s Huge And Vast. It’s Deep-set And Engraved Inside You. In The Beginning, It Was A Part Of You. But Now You’re A Part Of It. And It Occupies All Of You. It’s Not Sadness. ‘Cause Sadness Is A Feeling When You’re Crying And You’re Hurt, When Everything Dies Inside Of You. But This Is Actual Absence Of Feeling. And, This Time Nothing Dies Inside You, Because The Only Thing That Can Die Is The One Which’s Alive.

And Now You Actually Start Wishing For It To Keep Going, To Never End And To Never Suffice. And That’s When You Win. Now, You Don’t Wish It To Stop. You Welcome It With Your Open Heart. You Let It All In, The Emptiness And The Darkness, Even If It Overwhelms You. You’re No More Looking Out For A Surface. You’re No More Hoping, No More Wanting, No More Needing. You’re No More Wishing To Feel! You’re Numb. You’re Cold. You’re Empty And You’re Complete.

You Know Why You Were Failing? Because You Were Wishing, You Were Hoping, You Were Expecting, You Were Feeling, You Were Needing, Wanting, And Living! All The Wrong Things. But, You Aren’t Anymore. Of Course, You Aren’t Dead. Because Death Is Feeling And Satisfaction, A Hope, A End, And, A Limit. But You’re Limitless. You’re Fearless. Because You Can’t Fall, You Can’t Drown, You Can’t Break And You Can’t Feel. You’re Just You. No Nothing.

You Realize That This What You’re Made Of. This Is What You Were Made For. This Is You. You Actually Start Loving It, Appreciating It And Rejoicing In It. This Is Your Life Now, Your Feeling, Your Purpose, Your Dream And Your Aim. You’re Not Running Away From It. You’re Running Towards It. You’re Running For It. You’re Running With It.

This Is When You Crave For It, Want It And Need It. This Is When You Fall In Love With It. The Darkness. It’s All You And It’s All Yours…

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